@MissMMathers

Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.

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@GrillinChillin9

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

@BPMbadassmama

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

@iGreenMonk

“It’s the small things that make me happy” -enthusiastic microbiologist

@juliussharpe

Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”

@KentWGraham

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

@KissabiX

Me: My back molar’s really sensitive

Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive

@thatUPSdude

Her: You didn’t come to my Halloween party!
Me: Yes I did
Her: No, what were you?
Me: A ninja
Her: I didn’t see you
Me: Like I said “ninja”

@primawesome

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

@Divergentmama

I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.

*kids all still sleeping