need a new bf mines broken 😐
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison