Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
You Might Also Like
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
“It’s the small things that make me happy” -enthusiastic microbiologist
Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Me: My back molar’s really sensitive
Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque
Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive
Her: You didn’t come to my Halloween party!
Me: Yes I did
Her: No, what were you?
Me: A ninja
Her: I didn’t see you
Me: Like I said “ninja”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.
*kids all still sleeping