Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car