Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Noted.

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.