Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

*pronounces fake like saké*

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

10:20
10:25
10:21
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10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?