Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices