Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life