Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
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A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what