Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

There is no try. There is only give up.

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.