Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.