Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”