Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating for two.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Sign at work today

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

being a writer on Twitter:

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.