Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only say stupid things when I talk.

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

My sex drive has a dui

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?