Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

😭🤣

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Travel bloggers during quarantine

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions