me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Carpe DM
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Me in tagged photos
