me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?