Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU