Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

Well well well…

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

You’ll be OK

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

B

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.