Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
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The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious