Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight