Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping