Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.