Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Why I divorced her.