Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
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Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke