Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
3% human
97% stress
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?