I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
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My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
this has to be peak English
I’ve had relationships like this
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!