me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
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Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now