me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
You Might Also Like
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
you know what ruined my childhood? children