me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
You Might Also Like
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
thanksgiving in nutshell
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*