me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
You Might Also Like
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
SF is the wild wild west man
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.