me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
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trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.