Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.