ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*