Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”