Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

#Caturday

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

💀💀

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*