Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Shortcut

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table