Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

john wicks are toilet candles

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.