Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural