Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
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To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.