me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
mmm onion ringos
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.