Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

Hear me out: WrestleVania

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

is this a threat

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.