Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”