Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.