Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

Twitter is the new flypaper.