Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with