Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

Sticker placement is key.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.