Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”