Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
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Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
inventing words: clothing
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.