Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies