@Karate_Horse

me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

@anniemalistics

Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]

@impJOKER

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

@Kim_pulsive

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

@ghostkrogh

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

@riesypiecey

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

@Reverend_Scott

“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”

No, you’d be disappointed.

“Wait-”

Because-

“Don’t say it-”

Omelette u down.

“Please leave.”

@DirtyySouthMess

I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.

@internetluke

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”