me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.


Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]


‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’


My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it


judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing


Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.


“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”

No, you’d be disappointed.



“Don’t say it-”

Omelette u down.

“Please leave.”


I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.


[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”