@Karate_Horse

me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

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@tokyo_sexwhale

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

@juliothesquare

I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”

@LlamaInaTux

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

@LindaInDisguise

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

@saroanco

Sometimes I’m surprised when a celebrity dies and sometimes I’m surprised they weren’t already dead.

@seancehat

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

@OakHill_

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

@TheTweetOfGod

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

@MartaEffing

A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.