me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

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cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer


Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.


If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..


Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?


A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.


Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.


“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.


I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.


Me: “Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?”
Nurse: “Sir, you’re just here for a blood pressure reading…”

*pulls pants back up*