Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you
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Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”
No, you’d be disappointed.
“Don’t say it-”
Omelette u down.
I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”