@Karate_Horse

me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

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@humanaaron

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@beefman138

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

@iYoungKhalifa

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

@Iwriteforcats

Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?

@ReelQuinn

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

@RiotGrlErin

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

@CrankyPappy

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

@Dirty_Naomi

I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.

@NotPeterStark

Me: “Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?”
Nurse: “Sir, you’re just here for a blood pressure reading…”

*pulls pants back up*