Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
me hitting on a model
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
This pepper has seen some shit
Isn’t
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.