Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.