Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

*me flirting

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.