Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

nothing saves money like being antisocial

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

I’m not stressed

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs