ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
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[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
The first one, obviously
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
house sitting!
TWEET CALL
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Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Eggs benadryl my favourite
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.