Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

I would move hell over six inches for you

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that