Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
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If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day