Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I have so many questions.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.