Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

sistine chapel

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.