Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

This is I, Robot all over again

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?