Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
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dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Just parrot things
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
okay run it by me one more time
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
