Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living