Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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How to get your man to do push ups:
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
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