Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
