“What movie?” 🤔
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There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
This forever.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Bill is short for Billiam
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all