Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
You Might Also Like
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I can’t stop watching this.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Wait for it
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Where is your GOD now????
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!