Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
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It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.