Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Everyone’s family
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.