Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Worth a try

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.