Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

had to make it

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.