Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

Who’s your best friend?

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.