ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
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fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Sure. Why not?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud