Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My blood type is coffee.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro